By Your Side
by Ivory Novelist
Summary: Another oneshot. Neil and Todd, friendship, FLUFF, NO SLASH! Please RR!


A/N: Yet another DPS one shot. Please R/R! Thanks!

Disclaimer: DPS belongs to the great Peter Weir and brilliant writer who wrote it.

Listen to "By Your Side" by Sade while reading.

Todd's poem at the end is MINE.

NO SLASH!

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_By Your Side_

* * *

The night was clear and cool, without a whiff of cloud to hide the diamond stars. The moon loomed full in the indigo sky, like a pearl nestled in velvet. Her light cast shadows of the naked branches on the walls and the withered grass. Life was soundless, without a chill wind or a howling dog. The world was quiet in slumber, yet two boys found no comfort in unconscious dreaming this night. They lay awake, unbeknownst to each other, in the room they shared, carved into Welton Academy. Starlight chased shadow across the floorboards below their window, and their long coats hung away in the closet.

Neil Perry lay in bed, motionless. He stared across the room at his roommate's darkened face, presuming he slept. The actor could find no rest. His thoughts carried him away, running rampant through his mind. He had not felt normal for weeks, whatever normal was. Failed suicide had left him detached, but somehow, his despair had left him. He was better now than he was before. Perhaps it was because his father was leaving him alone from now on, scared into surrender by his son's drastic and almost tragic acts. As far as anyone could be concern, he was free. His life was his, taken by force from the grips of his father. But Neil Perry did not feel free – not yet, anyway. Something had been on his mind for the past few days, and it wouldn't leave him alone.

_  
_  
His pale, fair face remained expressionless. He gazed into the darkness, the moonlight touching his chocolate eyes and shining through them. He couldn't stop thinking about Todd, the boy he had always believed in, the boy who had saved him days ago. He couldn't forget the way Todd had said his name when he found Neil lying in the snow or the way Todd cried when he rocked Neil's limp and bleeding body in the white quiet. He couldn't get it out of his head – the way Todd looked at him in the hospital, almost as if the poet were afraid of him. He couldn't forget the way Todd has said he didn't need to explain anything; the poet understood. And Neil had never thanked him. Neil had never said what his insides screamed at him.

_Todd, what can I say to you? What am I supposed to say? You saved me. You understood me. You never left me. You've always loved me. At least, I hope you love me. I don't know what else it could be or what else I could call it. I think the others love me – Charlie and Knox, Pitts and Meeks. But not the way you do. I'm sorry I scared you. I'm sorry I almost left you alone. I don't want to hurt you, Todd. I've always tried so hard to keep myself from hurting you, because I always knew you were so hurt already. You always had this look in your eyes, like a wounded deer. Everything scared you. Not anymore, I guess. Mr. Keating freed you from your own self-doubt. Is that why you saved me, Todd? Is that why you held me for a little while but finally carried me back to life? I've never thanked you. I've never told you in plain words what I think, what I've always thought. Todd, you're my best friend. You think you're so worthless and faulted, so unloved. You just can't see, damn it. Can you understand how it makes me feel? It's so frustrating, because you don't see yourself the way I do. You don't realize that you're a wonderful poet, you don't realize that you're the most gentle soul I've ever met, you don't realize how much the boys care about you or how much I love you. Why can't you see, Todd? You saved me, and you still don't see... I guess I can only hope that one day you will see, Todd. I guess all I can do is say thank you. I guess all I can do is tell you I love you and hope you believe me and stop hurting yourself. _

Neil thought about his letter tucked away in his _50 Centuries of Verse book_, waiting to find it's way to Todd's desk. He planned on leaving it for the other boy tomorrow morning, so Todd could carry Neil's heart with him for the whole day. Until then, the words that voiced his innermost feelings reverberated in his head as he lay still in the blackness of night, staring across at his best friend. He clutched at the sheets, sighing away a breath. He couldn't deny the small fear he had of Todd being too overwhelmed by his words that he would end being shunned or his feelings unrequited. The thought of Todd not thinking of him as his best friend as well hurt Neil already. But he could deal with it, as long as Todd knew the truth.

_Please don't leave me, Todd. _He clutched the sheets tightly in his fist, his eyes glimmering in their stare. He felt a lump rise in his throat, and he admonished himself mentally. He knew Todd wasn't the sort of person to end a friendship on the basis of a letter, but he couldn't help but fear. He was afraid, and he was in pain and haunted by the memory of Todd rocking him in the scarlet-stained snow. He watched his own sheet-white face upturned to the sky, his eyes glazed with tears and staring blankly, his head cradled in Todd's arm. He hadn't stopped bleeding. He hadn't stopped weeping. He hadn't stop fearing and crumbling. Todd had stopped rocking him.

Neil's tears were hot on his skin, blotting his pillow like ink from a feather quill. He had thought before that he was a strong person, with little insecurity, but Todd had made him realize that he was the exact opposite. He had always been alone inside, despite his friendships with the rest of the DPS. Todd had come along and subtly taken his heart, and now Neil was falling apart at the possibility of losing the one person who had ever truly loved him, the only one of his friends that he could call his brother. He pressed his eyes shut, trying to stop the tears and failing, making more come as he remembered Todd chasing him around this room that afternoon Neil had discovered the play and had stolen Todd's poem away. He recalled a golden afternoon down by the wharf, where life had seemed like beautiful simplicity.

"_Put more into it," he screamed at the poet, as Todd helped Neil go over his lines. _

"Yea, art thou there," Todd screamed the line across the water, and Neil laughed as the birds rose up from the fields in the distance. Todd's voice reverberated throughout the skies and the earth. They smiled together, before Neil swatted at the poet playfully with the stick he had been using as a sword. Todd swatted back with the playbook, and Neil's soul soared with the joy acting bestowed him and Todd's company.

Neil trembled as he kept himself from sobbing out loud, and he wrapped himself tighter in the sheets.  


Todd Andersen lay motionless in his bed, pretending to be asleep. He was sure that his roommate slept soundly across from him and did not want to wake him. He did not know how long he had been staring at Neil Perry's shadowed face, and he didn't stop. Sleep wouldn't take him in no matter how he tried, too burdened was his mind. He glanced at the swaying branches on the floorboards, the thin shadows painted upon the light of the heavens cast on the wood. His eyes rose again to where Neil's face was, whether or not Todd could see it clearly. He wondered what the actor was dreaming about, hoping his dreams were sweet and full of light. That was the nature of Neil's essence and that is what Neil deserved for the rest of his life – bright joy.

Todd's eyes shone faintly, as the shadows played in his hair with the light. He sighed and thought about his best friend's turmoil, the turmoil of the past few weeks. He remembered the fear and the pain and the hollow feeling Neil's attempted suicide had thrown at him. He had already had one too many bloody nightmares about finding Neil in the snow again, this time, truly dead. He couldn't even begin to fathom the miracle that occurred that afternoon. Todd finding Neil in time could be called nothing else. The poet couldn't rid himself of the images – Neil's icy skin, his blue lips, his limp body, his glassy eyes, the tears that vanished into the snow. When Neil had lain in the hospital for the first few nights, Todd had wanted to barge in and scream at him. _Why? Why did you do this to yourself? How could you even think about letting your father win? How could you even think about killing yourself, putting out the flame of your radiant soul? How could you think of leaving me?  
_  
But some time in the course of those first few days after the incident, Todd had come to understanding. When he finally did go to the hospital to take Neil back to Welton, it was with quiet patience. He had not mentioned it in the least, because he had decided that the incident itself was not what was important. What was important was his presence, while Neil recovered. And just because the actor's wrists were bandaged and stitched, did not mean he was all right again. Neil had shattered. Todd had to help gather the pieces and put him back together. Mr. Perry, the bastard, had finally accepted his son's right to live. Now, all that was left was to pull Neil and everything else back into normalcy and go on with their lives.

_  
_  
Todd had left too much unsaid over the recent weeks. The DPS meetings they had had ensued as was typical, without any discussion on the topic of Neil's actions. It was easier to pretend like nothing had happened, that everything was okay. Yet it wasn't hard to tell that everyone treated Neil the slightest bit differently now. Todd wondered if the actor had noticed. The poet had not spoken of his feelings on the matter either, though God only knew he had feelings about it. Neil had been his first real friend, and now he was his best friend, more of a brother to him than his older one ever was. He had never told Neil, nor had he ever thanked the other boy for befriending him in the first place. Neil was the one who had introduced him to the rest of the guys in the DPS, who had always looked out for him. And Todd had never thanked him.

The poet pushed his hand beneath his pillow until his fingers felt the scrap of paper tucked away. He pulled out into the light, looking it over. For how long had it remained hidden? He didn't remember, exactly. The white piece of paper was wrinkled and Todd's flowing scrawl was etched in black ink on the surface. He doubted that his words were enough, just as he doubted if he was enough at all, for anything or anyone. But he could not withhold the paper from Neil any longer. The words were for him, and they must be passed on, regardless of their quality. His fingers ran over them, the curving lines of the letters, and he knew he could not keep them silently written on his heart any longer. Though he feared rejection like nothing he had ever feared before, he could not deny Neil the right to read what was intended for him.

Todd took a deep breath and carefully sat up in bed, the paper in hand. He looked over at the still and silent form of his best friend and hesitated for a moment, not wanting to wake him whilst doing this. The shadows swayed across his back, splayed across the floor and light like lace. He shifted and dropped his feet over the side of the bed; they barely dangled before his feet touched the chill wood. The window frost looked like spider webs and cold breath. He shuddered, a shiver jolting through his body and up his spine. He crept across the room quietly, his bare feet weaving through the shadow branches. When finally he reached Neil's bedside, he looked down upon the placid face of his best friend. The actor's eyes lay closed, his dark lashes upon his blushing cheeks. Todd's face softened, a faint smile curving on his face.

He knelt carefully, the scrap of paper clutched in his hand. He was caught breathless now, at this place of uncertainty. He felt like he was kneeling before God, about to make an offering, not sure if it would be acceptable. His lips quivered as he stared down at Neil's angelic face, failing to notice the transparent tears that lingered still. He whispered the boy's name gently, before beginning an attempt to explain himself.

"I," he stuttered. "I have so much to say to you. I know I should be brave enough to talk, but I can't help being a coward." He almost chuckled, before pausing. "I – I wrote this for you, Neil." He offered the piece of paper to the sleeping actor, as if showing it to him. Carefully, he slipped it under Neil's cupped hand. "Poetry seems to be the only way I can say what feel, what's really inside of me. I know – I know it's not much, but it's the truth." His eyes strayed to the corners peeking out from beneath Neil's fingers and he was silent once more, for a moment. "I'm here for you, Neil," he said softly. He reached out, his hand hovering in hesitation, before resting on Neil's back. "I'll always be here, by your side." He smiled to himself, not so afraid anymore. "You're my best friend." The rest of it was under Neil's palm, and he needed to say no more. He suppressed a sigh and grinned, stroking over Neil's back for a little while. Eventually, though, Todd straightened once again, gave one last glance at his best friend, and returned to his own bed to seize sleep.

_  
_  
Little did the poet know, however, that Neil had not yet fallen into slumber either. He still lay awake, feeling the worn piece of paper at his fingertips, his tears coming again. Only this time, he smiled. Todd's words would be waiting for him in the morning, and already, some of them were blossoming in Neil's heart. Perhaps he could sleep after all.

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_A candle burns in the window, _

_Glowing softly in the darkness. _

_It's only one flame, _

_But it's enough for me. _

_You're only one friend, _

_But you're enough for me. _

_And you bring out the best in me, _

_Things I never knew I had, _

_And you fill me and move me _

_And in my pain, you soothe me. _

_You're my wings and my light, _

_Like one ray of sunshine _

_Falling through the painted clouds. _

_Words can't express how beautiful _

_You are, or how grateful I am to you _

For saving me, for bringing me to life.

_I'll never leave you, never forget you, _

_I'll be by your side forever, I'll love you _

_Like poetry, like poetry._

- Todd


End file.
